Grief Expert Explains ‘Six Needs of Mourning’

“Closure is for doors and windows, not for when someone in your life dies.”

So said Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., director of the Colorado-based Center for Loss & Life Transition, when he spoke in late April at “Understanding Your Grief: A Night of Healing,” which was presented by The Hope Spot of Greene County (Ohio), an addiction and recovery service agency in Xenia, Ohio. 

Dr. Wolfelt’s presentation was full of notable phrases that hit home for me:

• Life is a series of transitions and losses.
• Our capacity to love is related to our ability to mourn.
• Death ends a life. It doesn’t end our relationships.
• When you mourn well, you live well.
• You’ve got to go backward before you can go forward.
• Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate.

Previously, I had heard much of what Dr. Wolfelt said, but those words had a different impact on me this time. Maybe because he is a “doctor” and director of an agency focused on helping people grieve. Maybe it was because of all the books he’s written. Or maybe I gave Dr. Wolfelt’s words more merit because I was finally able to actually hear them.

My husband, Terry, and I are coming up on the one-year anniversary of our son’s death, which is also our 39^th wedding anniversary. I finally feel like I can talk about Evan without crying. Don’t get me wrong; I still cry. A lot. But it’s not a daily occurrence right now.

What resonated with me the most was Dr. Wolfelt’s ability to speak to a large group and still acknowledge that our grief is personal. Grief is our internal, individual response to loss. Mourning is the outward expression of our grief.

He acknowledged that much of what we feel is fear. Fear of being safe without the person we lost. Fear of moving forward. Fear of change.

And as much as I feel like I’m not the one who should extend grace to others, Dr. Wolfelt encouraged attendees to be merciful when dealing with the people around us who say true yet unhelpful things, like:

• You have other children.
• Uncle John had 89 good years of life.
• Just keep busy.
• Put the past in the past.
• You need closure.
• God won’t give us more than we can handle.
• Now you’ve got an angel to watch over you.

That last one makes me want to hit someone. I don’t want an angel. I want my son.

Still, we are the ones who are often tasked with educating the people around us. Our vulnerability teaches family, friends and acquaintances how to respond to someone who has experienced loss.

Wolfelt said our friends just want us back to the way we were before the death. They are comforted by a return to “normal.” But we know “normal” will never be “normal” again.

Dr. Wolfelt encouraged attendees to learn about the “Six Needs of the Mourning:”

1. Acknowledge the reality of your loved one’s death. Wolfelt suggested attendees talk about their loved ones – their life and death.
2. Embrace the pain of your loss. Wolfelt said this is the opposite of what we tend to do. We try to push the pain down. But the best way to deal and cope with the loss is to allow yourself to feel it.
3. Remember the person who died. This is when we can rely on ceremony–the funeral, the wake, the meal after the service. When we participate in those ceremonies, we are able to share our loss with those who love us.
4. Develop a new self-identity. I have had to transition from being Evan’s mom to being Susie, the writer. My entire life was immersed in my role as his mother. For me, this step has been the most difficult. I have had to rethink my life’s purpose.
5. Search for meaning. Wolfelt said we should lean on faith and a belief in something bigger than ourselves. I believe that something bigger to be a loving God who holds me while I cry. Others may believe in Mother Earth, the Universe, the Fates, the Cosmos. Whatever you believe in, grasp that faith tightly and surrender to something bigger than yourself.
6. Receive ongoing support from others. Allow yourself to be cared for. As we transition to a life without our loved one, our bodies have a real reaction to the loss–illness, insomnia, lack of focus. When we let other people care for us, we help those other people recover from the loss, too.

Primarily, Wolfelt said we need to be ready to experience our “grief bursts.” Those times when the sorrow feels almost too difficult to bear.

He also encouraged attendees to prepare for Sappy times–when we are sad and happy at the same time.

The key to coping, according to Wolfelt, is time. “There are no rewards for speed,” he said. “Admit your vulnerability and take the time and space to allow your grief to become mourning.”

But most important? “Don’t go through it alone.”

Until next time,

Susie from Stix-N-Stonez