I am not a great maker of resolutions.
Well, let me rephrase that.
I am not a great keeper of resolutions.
I make them and within the first two weeks of the year, I’ve given up on probably 80 percent of what I resolved.
My question is: Do yearly resolutions really work?
For some people, like my husband, they certainly do. He has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of his annual goals. He updates the goals as he accomplishes them or deletes some that he isn’t interested in anymore. He even breaks them down by which part of his life the goals are for – work, family, education, personal.
This works for him because he is what Gretchen Rubin would call an Upholder. He’s a rule follower. Promises he makes to others are just as important as the promises he makes to himself.
I, on the other hand, am an Obliger. I most definitely follow through and accomplish what I’ve told others I will do for them, but the goals I set for myself? Well, those aren’t as important and I let them slide.
If you’re not familiar with Gretchen Rubin, this might be the perfect time to introduce yourself. Rubin is a writer, speaker and podcaster. She’s written about happiness, de-cluttering, and how different people meet the expectations in their lives.
Her podcast, Happier, which she hosts with her sister Elizabeth Kraft (a Hollywood television writer) is heard by millions every week. In her book The Four Tendencies, Rubin describes four types of people based on how they react to and treat internal and external expectations. In other words, what other people expect a person to do and what the individual has prioritized for himself or herself.
On her website, Rubin explains: “During my multi-book investigation into human nature, I realized that by asking the suspiciously simple question ‘How do I respond to expectations?’ we gain explosive self-knowledge.
“I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.”
In terms of expectations, Upholders meet both inner and outer expectations; Obligers meet outer expectations but not inner expectations; Questioners meet inner expectations but question the need to meet outer expectations; and Rebels can’t be forced to meet anyone’s expectations, not even their own.
This is how Rubin breaks it down:
- Upholders want to know what should be done.
- Questioners want justifications.
- Obligers need accountability.
- Rebels want freedom to do something their own way.
So how does this relate to yearly resolutions?
My husband and I are perfect examples of an Upholder and an Obliger. And as it turns out, our two younger sons are each a textbook Questioner and Rebel.
Resolutions are no brainers for Upholders. But Questioners wonder at the arbitrary date of January 1 to start working toward a goal. Why January 1? Why not another day? Why make a resolution at all? Just set up some goals for yourself and develop the steps to accomplish it. This is our youngest son. He is a researcher and doesn’t make up his mind about any issue until he has answered all the questions he has about it. He reads anything, whether it agrees with his own personal beliefs or not, because he says if he can’t explain and defend his beliefs, what good is it to have them at all?
The Rebel, on the other hand, is a breed of its own. Rubin’s tag-line for a Rebel is “You can’t make me and neither can I.” A Rebel doesn’t put a priority on meeting anyone’s expectations. You want me to go to college and get a job? Forget that. Anyone can do that. I’m a free soul and I want to experience life. Our middle son’s Instagram account features the tag-line: “Jobs fill your pockets, but adventures fill your soul.” Classic Rebel.
So, before you decide on your yearly resolutions, maybe you should take Rubin’s eight-question quiz to learn which tendency you lean toward. You can find it here.
Maybe it will help you understand why you choose the things you do and the things you don’t.
Knowing and understanding the mind of an Obliger has helped me immensely. I know I need outer accountability to meet my goals, so I’ve joined a few groups that offer that accountability. I tell the group what my weekly goals are, and the next week I can come back and tell how I met them or explain why I didn’t. Either way, someone (several someones) is counting on me to take specific actions and I can’t let those people down. So I do what I say I’m going to do.
And knowing the tendencies of other members of my family helps me understand them. I know if my Upholder husband has an opportunity to exercise during the day, he’ll take it. If the sun’s up, he’s outside running, walking or cycling. So I know, even though I’ve spent a couple hours preparing dinner, that when he leaves to get some exercise, he’s not telling me he hates my cooking. Instead, he’s saying: “This is important to me and I can’t do it after dark. Thanks for the meal. I’ll heat it up when I get home.”
And, I know that when my Questioner son gets home from work, he’s had all day in a warehouse to think about his projects, what’s happening in the world today, and where can he get more information on growing bonsai trees. All he wants to do is tell someone, ask opinions and verbalize his thoughts. I know he needs at least an hour, probably more, to work through his thoughts and questions.
Why not take the quiz and read up on each of the Four Tendencies. It may help not only you, but it may offer an explanation into why everyone in your family does things their own way.
I can’t help but think that if I understand why people in my family react to my requests and questions a certain way, that peace and harmony would reside in my home. And if we can keep our homes from being a battleground, maybe we can do the same for our communities. Who knows? We just might change the world!
Until next week,
Susie from Stix-N-Stonez